Do you feel like you’re going in circles? That out of an endless gallery of potential partners you always reach for the same “model” who looks great, knows just what to say, yet still leaves your heart in ruins? You’re not alone. Let’s uncover why our subconscious keeps throwing us into the arms of the same types of men, even though deep down we know this is a badly written script.
Introduction: Why the same type again and again?
“But he’s so charismatic…” “I love bad boys, they’ve got spark!” “I just need someone to save me.” Lines we hear from friends—and quite possibly say ourselves. The result? An emotional roller coaster that ends in tears on the pillow and a (not only) forgotten sweater at his place. But why? What keeps us stuck in that strange magnetic pull toward partners who differ only in face and name? Hang on, let’s lift the lid.
Patterns from the past
Psychologists agree: our first relationship “imprint” happens in childhood. Parents, grandparents, first loves—all of them write an invisible code into our brains:
- Secure vs. insecure attachment – If you grew up where love was conditional on performance (“Be good or Mommy won’t like you”), you may feel the need to prove your worth in relationships.
- Victim or rescuer role – Did you watch one parent constantly “fix” the other’s problems? That drama can become your normal.
- Invisible contracts – In families where feelings weren’t shown, we often learn that closeness hurts or is dangerous. Later we may seek out cold, unavailable partners.
Once these patterns settle in, the brain tries to repeat them. Paradoxically, it’s comfortable—we know the rules of the game, even if the outcome is devastating.
Psychological reasons for our choices
It’s not only the past; chemistry, hormones and today’s high-speed dating carousel play a role too. What’s happening inside us?
- Dopamine rush – Bad boys and mysterious types trigger a surge of dopamine. Your body gets used to the adrenaline, and a calm, stable man gets labeled “boring.”
- Self-image and self-worth – If you believe you don’t deserve respect or real love, you’ll subconsciously pick someone who proves you right.
- Ego vs. heart – Rationally you know what you need, but the ego craves validation. When the popular alpha male pays attention, the ego cheers and the heart shuts up… for a while.
How to recognize and change the patterns
Sound like sci-fi? It’s not. Rewriting the script takes courage, but it’s doable. Start with these steps:
- Stop the autopilot – At the first flutter in your stomach ask: “Does this attraction feel familiar? Does it remind me of someone from my past?”
- Emotional journal – Note how you feel before a date, after it and during conflict. Do the feelings echo childhood experiences?
- Setting boundaries – Learn to say no before emotions go full throttle. Try slow dating—no three nights in a row at his place.
- Therapeutic mirrors – Quality psychotherapy or coaching exposes blind spots faster than you think. You don’t have to be “crazy” to seek help—it’s a sign of healthy self-reflection.
- New role models – Surround yourself with couples who have functional relationships. The brain learns by imitation—give it a new pattern.
Personal experiences and stories
Linda, 29: “I always went for musicians. High boots, tattoos, chaotic life—total magnet. After the third breakup over cheating I realized I was looking for my dad’s love. He was a rocker who never showed up for my birthdays. Therapy opened my eyes. Now I’m dating an IT guy and for the first time I feel calm.”
Martina, 43: “Workaholics attracted me. Strong, successful, unavailable. But after years I realized I was mirroring my mom, who was always away for her career. Today I stick to one rule: my partner must have time for himself and for me. And it works.”
Eliška, 34: “I was the rescuer. Alcoholics, gamblers, depressed poets—I ran a nonstop emergency service. After burnout I read a book on codependency and started attending Al-Anon. When I laid down my Wonder Woman shield, love appeared with a man who doesn’t need saving, just sharing.”
Conclusion: The road to better relationships
It’s easier (and tempting) to point a finger at “all men,” but true power lies within you. Uncovering your own programs means acting consciously, not impulsively. Yes, it can hurt—old wounds sting when you clean them. But the result is space for love that nourishes instead of drains.
If you want to break the curse of recurring partners, try this mantra: “My heart deserves healthy love and I accept it.” Repeat it when another charismatic bad boy flashes on Tinder. Give a chance to the one who invites you not on an emotional roller coaster but on a journey where you hold hands and admire the scenery. After all, what’s sexier than a sense of safety, joy and trust?
Leave the drama to Hollywood screenwriters. You write the story in which the heroine—you—finally gets a partner who values her. And that’s a real happy ending!
